letter to myself

this is a letter that i wrote to myself a few months ago. i remember i was so upset that i had again given up my diet (btw i live in europe, so the dresssized are different and i dont know shit about inches or lbs, i talk in cm and kilos)
and then after this, i just somehow gave up the idea. but i realised at some point i just wasnt happy. i strongly believe that being skinny (and hopefully even skinnier than what i was then) will make me happier.

heres the letter:

This is so stupid!! I can’t believe I let my body get fat again. Last year I did a fruit fast, and still ate nuts and drank soya milk, all that healthy stuff. I stopped eating meat, cut down on eggs, didn’t drink any milk, really cut down a lot from animal products! I also cut down on cafeine, nicotine and salt and sugar. It was a perfect vegan fruit fast with very healthy snacks. In my head I kept saying to myself: “Why eat something with a lot of fat in it, or something of high calories, if I can easily leave it?
I don’t HAVE to eat it, it wouldn’t kill me if I didn’t!” And that’s how I lost a lot of weight within two weeks, maybe a few days more. Amazing, I had a great beach body, felt super comfortable in a bikini and showing my legs. That’s when I started wearing skirts and dresses, leggings and shorts. And tighter shirts. I went down a size! Went from a true 36 to a true 34! Also in pants! It was so great to look at my body in the mirror. I couldn’t believe it was actually my own body! I had skinny legs (not lying!), an almost completely flat stomach, skinny arms, a much more defined face with beautiful cheekbones popping out, and my big cheeks were gone! And my ass was obviously smaller! And then my biggest nightmare came true, I gained all that stupid weight back in the winter! the winter is really my enemy when it comes to food and temptations. Now it’s a year later from when I was introduced to a healthy diet. And my body is just blown up. I can’t believe I did this. it’s like I did exactly what I promised myself to avoid! My ass is huge, my stomach has that horrible fat stored in it, my legs are anything but skirt-proof! My arms aren’t nice to look at anymore and my face lookes younger again, by that I mean it looks big and blown up, full of babyfat somehow. I don’t look so pretty anymore. Skinny really is an amazing way of boosting yourself, your life, the image that you have of yourself. Your sexappeal, your entire life! Everything that was bad doesn’t seem so bad anymore, and everything that was good seems even better! It’s a real life boost. I need it. I’m doing it. I’m starting today. I actually kind of started yesterday with this idea in my head. And looking at some pictures of skinny bitches on the internet, and I am off! Doing the fruit fast all f***ing over again, enjoying the weather and my life, my body, my beauty. My decisions. That sounds so right. My decisions. Ok, so, fruit! Vegetables, hm, that might be difficult. But salads aren’t, ha! No more meat, no more fish, no more! So here I go, diet diet diet!
Remember; only eat when hungry!

Ice water
Ice lemon water
Hot lemon water
Green tea
Fruit
Vegetables
Nuts
Soya
Move that ass!
Kill your hunger with a smoke
The red bracelet is a promise to stay true to the diet
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels
It's simple: You decide once and for all that you aren't going to eat, and there are no further decisions to make
Every time you say no thank you to food, you say yes please to thin
Don’t give up what you want most for something you want now
You can learn to love anything I think, if you need to badly enough. Train yourself to enjoy feeling hungry. If your stomach contracts, or you wake up feeling nauseated or light-headed, or have a hunger headache or better yet, all of the above, it means you are getting thinner, if feels good. You feel strong, on top of yourself, in control.
Happy or sad, rich or poor, it's better being thin
Giving in to food shows weakness, be strong and you will be better than everyone else.

Legs shouldn’t touch!
NO SUGAR, NO SALT
Never eat more than I need! The less I eat, the less I need. Really! I feel it in my stomach, right from the first diet day on, that I easily overeat when I fasted before that.
Don’t wait to go to the toilet. Shitting and peeing is a relief for the digestion, I believe! ;)
Wear lipstick
Brush your teeth
Think of the beach, the perfect bikini body and nice long dancers legs.
Keep yourself busy
CELLULITE is basically stored fat!!! All the overkill of fat that your possible teeny tiny body couldn’t process, was stored in your ugly legs and ass. Cellulite is due to your own eating habits! Totally completely your own fault! Stupid!
I would actually like to fit into my size 26 jeans. Last year I wore them once and they killed my thighs, but it would be cool to be able to wear those again. I even more secretly wish that they were even a little loose! That’s actually a very difficult, pretty much impossible goal, but who knows! I can do everything :P
Remember ALL clothes will look better on me, even if I wear something super boring, super over the top or super stupid.
Stop eating junkfood, for crying out loud. It makes people stink! It blows up the stomach, is unhealthy and full of fat and because badly digested, makes peope smelly.
Talking about smelly, here’s some good news: laxatives don’t do the trick. They don’t make you skinnier. I still believe that it is a relief to get all of that rotting meat out of your intestines at some point. So maybe after a week or two of a very healthy diet. Let’s try.

AN EMPTY STOMACH IS A GOOD THING. I DON’T WANT TO FEEL FULL, AND I DON’T WANT TO TASTE. I NEVER WANT TO BINGE, BECAUSE FEELING GUILTY IS TERRIBLE. PURGING ISN’T THE SOLUTION EITHER. STAY STRONG, STARVE ON.

REMEMBER HOW GOOD IT FEELS WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU: “YOU LOOK GOOD! LOST WEIGHT, I SEE!” And how great it is to look at yourself in the mirror when you’re skinny.