going crazy

im going crazy.
im starving for love. i dont feel like going into details about that. anyway i know it sounds pathetic. maybe thats what i am sometimes. im guessing starving for love is close to, maybe even the same as starving for attention.
i dont care if you judge me for this.
ive gone past the point of judging myself for this.

i want to be the thin girl. i want people to see me and think 'she looks good, a nice lean body'. and i would love to have girls acting all disgusted about my thin body, though really theyre jealous!
i want the people that i know now, to see me when i lost a lot of weight and start worrying. one, two, maybe three people started worrying about my dieting back then. this was about a year ago.

im sure that on the inside, everyone wishes they were skinny. a lot of people just choose food over looking the way they want to. i choose the looks over food.

honestly, i feel more loved when im thin. i got compliments like 'ah, you look good! you lost weight?!' and then i could say 'yeah, a bit, maybe'....
i felt more sexy, which my bf didnt mind..
my mom loves me thin. im not kidding. she always tells me i look great when im thinner. when i was at my thinnest, she finally said i was fine, that i shouldnt loose any more weight. it was the biggest compliment in the world.

on the other hand she also tells me i should watch what i eat when i look fatter.
it hurts.